Blog Housekeeping, Personal

The “Hello, World” post

Hi. I’m here to antagonize you about gender.

I say that, mostly, because whatever side of the ideological aisle you’re on, you will probably wish I would go away. I get that. I don’t take it personally. It’s not that I’m especially hostile or distasteful as a person, or that I’m just too brilliant at cutting down your arguments with my biting prose. It’s just that my existence is really inconvenient.

People like me don’t fit into The Narrative well (no matter which The Narrative you are personally invested in). I thought, when I was a trans man, that I was really screwing with the cisheteropatriarchy by forcing them to let a vagina be male. I had a lot of anxiety and low-boiling anger, constantly anticipating arguments that I was not a real man, or that I was just a lesbian, because my unique and beautiful gender was too complicated for the straights to comprehend.

I actually get a lot more arguments now that I’m detransitioning. I’m a traitor to both sides now: I betrayed straight models of gender when I transitioned, and now I’ve betrayed trans models of gender, too. I can so easily be used to undermine the enemy. See, trans people aren’t real because she regretted transitioning. Or, if you prefer, see, cis lesbians hate trans people and are working against us to make trans boys like him detransition.

My big project–aside from detransition itself–is to work on cultivating a healthy dose of apathy. I’m working really hard on leaving my anger behind.  Now that I’m not trapping myself in the thought framework that channeled me into transition, I have a lot more room to not give a fuck what other people think. So I’m going to spend some time reclining into that space, and using it to process both how I’m feeling during my detransition, and how what I’m learning from detransition is changing my philosophical perspective on gender.

Please feel free to ask me questions about any of that. My other major project is reckless openness, so I’m glad to talk.

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